Hi all, it’s me again.
I’ve been away for abit. Mums now in a bungalow.
For the past few weeks I’ve been feeling very depressed, I finally confided in a friend about it all, and my role as a carer. He said he would help me.
I’m also undergoing waiting to be assessed for autism after a few health professionals suggested I could be.
This last week I ended up having a really poor performance at work thanks to mental health, and just generally suffering. I seem to be arguing with family a lot over their constant needs for me, and I just cannot do it all anymore.
My appearance was off, and I couldn’t do my work. I had a pretty bad anxiety attack on Thursday and went home after. I had a meeting on Friday with my boss, and now I have to have a formal capability hearing on Thursday. I am scared because I will have to go alone. I’ve never had any disciplinaries in this job in four years.
I’ve now spent the weekend extremely depressed, and extremely scared for the future really. Fears over loosing my job.
I just need support and yet no one wants to provide it. Mums supposed to be getting help from a care coordinator at mh but she’s still waiting for one, and has been for ages. I’ve been in touch with the carers association, although they say they can’t do anymore to help. Though they don’t know about this incident yet. Social services aren’t really interested either.
I’m now extremely scared about this formalised procedure and worry if I can do this going forward. I absolutely love my job, and don’t want to loose it.
My anxiety is through the roof right now, and although I’m trying to get support it’s not the best. Everyone still expects me to be my dad. I’m not him. I haven’t been able to eat much since a few days ago; a cheese pastry, 4 nuggets and a cheese burger is now all I have eaten since Thursday. I can barely sleep. My legs feel like jelly, and I barely want to move.
Yesterday me mum and my sister went out to a shopping centre though I didn’t want to go. I came home after a few hours. Now mum wants me to take her out on a Sunday drive today, and I just don’t want to.
I just want to get my s together, walk into work having cleaned my car, having bought new clothes with a new outlook and say “right’ let’s go forwards.” This could make an impression that really helps me. But no it always has to be about mum. Even then all she wants to talk about is who said what in the pub.
If I loose my job, I’m screwed, but I can’t keep up with mums needs.
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